A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize
