I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
