if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
