apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
