Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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