haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
