I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Randomize
