Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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