She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
