it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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