angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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