took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
