the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
