Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
