My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
