1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
