had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
