did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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