OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
