like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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