Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
