sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
this boner is exhausting
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
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