I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I am currently google image searching dick piercings, trying to see what I'm getting myself into.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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