wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
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