dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
