the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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