Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
