She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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