Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
