too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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