we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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