Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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