I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
