I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
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