Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
