my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
