No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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