What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
