Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
The air taste purple.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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