the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
