just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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