i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
