Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Randomize
