No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
