You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
