i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
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