Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
