sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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