I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
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