porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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