now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Dear god my vagina.
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