genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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