the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
