I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
