Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
