The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
