but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Congratulations! We have a period
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
