In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Randomize
