I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
